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I am in my mom's kitchen before everyone else wakes and the room becomes a canteen filled with hungry children, lively animals and tired adults. I stand on a chair and perform what look like an amateur array of modern dance moves, waving my phone back and forth above the router. The red light flashes and I'm hooked up once more. I discover that our neighbours did get the message about feeding the cat, so he hasn't died, that I've been paid by work, and that John Lewis has new bad Linen in stock. I move away from the router and am out of contact once more. In my mind, holidays are not real holidays if you can be reached easily through any other means than by landline telephone. My sister seems to exude kindness with herself and others and I can't say I'm not slightly envious. I am realistic, though, and realise that she can't always be like this, though her consistent good nature is something I try to imitate. I'm sure I was once more like her, and even though some of my smiles seem forced, I have found that my attempts to find fun where there's fun to be had have proved fruitful, I am no longer the joyless fairground attendant pressing the buttons for a ride to move then stop. My enthusiasm for my life and my children is returning. In my new emails, there is this from R: "I find my ostracism by you really off as I don't know what I've done wrong, then treat my subsequent attempts at making a connection with you with such disdain."
In bed, I am assailed by sadness. Here, I am surrounded by unconditional love: my sister, parents and the children, I feel strong, content and supported. I know that this won't always be the case, but I wonder if R ever really feels this. His parents are wonderful and considerate; his friends are great too. But he finds it so difficult to share anything with anyone, and in the end he always seems to turn to drink. If I could I'd probably email him back. I want to comfort him, but this no longer seems appropriate or helpful. While I have to sit with all of these uncomfortable feelings, so does R. It is clear that there will be no remedy for the pain that we will endure as the pulling apart of homes, relationships and the emotions that have been bound up within all of this slowly begin to travel.